The recently released incarnation of Conan the Barbarian was a dismal display of wooden acting, over-the-top heroism, and tensionless whoop-ass. It not only failed as a fantasy action film, it failed as a film at all. Conan floated from one scene to another to display various methods of killing while the supporting cast seemed so uncertain in their deliveries, I wonder if they were told what film they were in. The film's effects, while adequate, were hardly spectacular enough to over-compensate for the other failings. All of which compound a flimsy and plotless script.
From the 1980 Arnold Schwarzenegger film to this film, the biggest shortcoming in a comparison wasn't the actors, the special effects, or the lack of an all star cast. It was the character arc. In Arnold's film, Conan was a child who became a slave, the slave who became a gladiator, the gladiator who defied an emperor... this might have happened in another movie but the point is there was an arc. Conan grew from an orphaned little boy to a fierce and wandering barbarian to be reckoned with. The new Conan, played by Jason Momoa, was raised by a barbarian tribe, then left to become a wandering barbarian and pirate, and then did some other barbarian things. He never changed throughout the film. What's more, his static nature completely destroyed any tension in the film. As a boy, he could kill any foe, save for the villain who killed his father. As an adult, he could kill any opponent he fought, eventually including the villain who killed his father. Halfway through the film, I realized that Conan had never lost a fight and never would. The only question was how he would win. Would he kill the bad guys with his sword? With their sword? A wooden plank? A rudder wheel? Or just pound with his fists? The man had a thousand ways to kill people. (on a related note, anyone up for MacGyver the Barbarian?) With the tension of the action scenes weakened by a hero who is too tough for the film's own good, let's look at the other characters.
Most of the supporting cast were extremely wooden and felt, as the phrase goes, "phoned in". As I watched Ron Perlman, I could only mourn the injustice that he's doing movies like this instead of Hellboy III. For a character whose only purpose is to tantalize young Conan about a life of steel and then dying, he was on screen far too long to say several meaningless lines about "understanding the sword." (The point end goes into the other man). Artus, played by Nonso Anoz, was a pointless best friend to Conan who only explained things to or about Conan. It's a sad state for a character if the plot would be unaffected by their absence. The female lead Tamara, played by Rachel Nichols (also played the Orion cadet from Star Trek '09) was so plain that I have absolutely nothing to comment on, good or bad. The only actor who gave a good performance was Rose McGowan as the Marique the witch. Her body movements and vocalization accented a really twisted and disturbed magician.
The sword and sorcery genre has often been more miss than hit. Major blockbusters like Lord of the Rings succeed with proper direction and backing. Part of the success of the original Conan movies was spillover from Arnold's fanbase. This latest film falls easily into the long list of failures behind Kull the Conqueror, Dungeons & Dragons, and Prince of Persia. Red Sonja is in pre-production and it's progress depends on the success Conan. Personally, I'm not holding my breath (too bad though because McGowan was originally slated to play the title role).
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